I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
