the condom got lost in my hair
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
