Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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