Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
