im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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