OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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