I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
