I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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