Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
