maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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