I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
