She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
