I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I intend to get homeless drunk
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
