after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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