It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
