I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
