Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
