just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
