there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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