if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
