Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
