You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
