So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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