I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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