So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
