I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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