Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My liver just had a heart attack.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
