New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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