fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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