Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
