If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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