I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
