Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
