Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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