Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
