she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
