I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
