I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
