shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
