my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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