You just made me feel so damn special
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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