My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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