whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
