yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
