theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
