There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
