You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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