It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
