Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize