Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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