i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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