Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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