Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
