Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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