The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He? As in you personified your dick?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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