My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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