she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
