guys are only as good as the porn they watch
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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