Your mouth is God's brothel.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
