Can i not drive my cunt home
Non-Jews are for practice
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Randomize
