Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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