Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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